Apple asks holdouts to switch to iPhone because, well, because

The cell phone business seems so ancient these days that it’s easy to believe the sides are entrenched.

You’re either an iPhone person who mocks anyone who has an Android phone. Or you’re one of those Android or other non-iPhone people who derides everyone who has an iPhone.

Is it worth trying to get people to switch? Apple thinks it is.

In a new campaign aimed at the Android types, Apple claims that it’s better along several axes. More than that, though, the campaign wants you to believe that it’s astoundingly easy to give up your Android and come over to the bright — or, depending on your perspective, dark — side.

Five short ads highlight Apple’s allegedly superior offerings. One claims that the music in your world will become so much more jolly when you have an iPhone. For no obvious reason whatsoever.

Another says that the iPhone keeps you away from digital snoopers — and they’re very creepy-looking.

Then there’s speed. Apparently, iPhones are far faster than Android phones. Blindingly so, says this ad. Oh, it seems to me that all new phones start fast and then slow down as they age.

Another ad insists iPhone will straighten out your photos — and migrating them is so easy. Why, Apple will even send movers to your house to help you.

Talking of easy, the last ad doesn’t even bother with a semblance of rationality, settling for just telling you to jump because it’s simple.

Yes, Apple will even get some movers to help you

A couple of years ago, Cupertino launched an Android app — one of the very few — to help you get over your guilt and become at one with an iPhone. For this latest push, it’s spruced up its switching microsite, where it claims that “Life Is Easier On iPhone.”

On the microsite, Apple doesn’t address the deficiencies of Android phones at all. Gone are the days of the “Get A Mac” campaign, in which Cupertino joyfully denigrated Microsoft. Instead, it offers cheery positives designed in California.

Is this all persuasive? Not if you’re ingrained in your ways and fear that something, somewhere along the line will be lost if you change systems. This campaign is more a nag for those who already have the nagging feeling that something might be better on the other side of the fence.

For me, it’s like cooking with gas or electric. They both work. I’ve always been comfortable with gas. Last week, I ended up cooking on a very fancy electric stove top. It was surprisingly good. Would I get one? Probably not.

The gas hasn’t let me down enough yet.

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